Tonight we celebrated Conner, our preschool graduate. Tonight we celebrated the honest effort Conner put into preschool. We celebrated his awesome teacher and friends.
As far as Conner knows, preschool ended today - for the year - and he is a champion. I know it isn't a good trait to lie... especially to your kids. But sometimes it is absolutely necessary.
We enrolled Conner at an awesome private preschool. The teacher is simply adorable, the curriculum amazing, and the fellow students are awesome. At first, I was not entirely convinced that my little munchkin was emotionally ready to venture into the world of preschool, but I knew that he needed the intellectual challenge.
At first Conner loved preschool.
He thrived on the very thought of leaving mom and brothers for a couple hours to bask in alphabet joy.
He loved his teacher and his new friends.
Then one day it just changed. He warily asked each morning if it was preschool day. If I told him "yes" he would slouch over and be instantly stricken with sickness. If I said that it was not preschool day he would leave the room skipping for joy.
Major negative self talk started pouring out of his mouth about who he was as an individual and his abilities to play with his friends at school. I ignored it. Instead I spent my time talking about how incredibly cool it is to be four-years-old and go to school.
For weeks we forced him to go to school.
Two weeks ago, I walked Conner into school and with tears coming out of his eyes, I said goodbye to him and climbed back into my minivan. At that very moments I received an emotional slap across the face with the realization that I was not listening to my own child. My excitement over his amazing preschool teacher and her incredible program had tuned me out to the needs of my own child.
Still determined to make preschool work for my little boy, I talked to the teacher and tried to arrange a way to help Conner enjoy school more. His teacher was incredibly sympathetic and wonderful about the situation. Regardless of all the efforts, my "mommy intuition" would not stop screaming that Conner was simply not ready for preschool.
I ignored it. I blamed the feelings on my postpartum hormone fluctuations. I blamed the feelings on a lack of sleep. I blamed the feelings on my inability to let my oldest child grow up. I blamed the feelings on every imaginable thing I could think of.
This morning I drove a sobbing little boy to preschool - still very determined to make preschool work. Conner refused to walk inside. As we entered preschool he gripped my body with all the strength his little body possessed and begged me not to leave him. His teacher lovingly freed me from his hold and I ran out the door with the cries of my child haunting me.
I cried (and drank
a lot of juice boxes) the whole time he was gone today. I prayed my heart out looking for answers. I called a lot of people looking for advice. Finally I decided to pull Conner out of preschool.
Big step.
I don't know what I am doing.
I don't know what I am doing, but I know it was the right step.
Tonight I checked out every book there is on homeschooling from the public library - I am not exaggerating. The forty books on my kitchen table are very overwhelming. Overwhelming in the fact that each book contains volumes of information my preschooler should know and understand. Questions of insecurity and failure started to fill my mind.
Searching through the books, I start to wonder what value is found in success and knowledge if happiness is not a somewhat constant companion.
Does it really matter if my child can recite their alphabet backwards while hanging upside down and playing a concerto with their toes?
The answer is no. It does not. The act will have little value if my child is not happy in the process of performing and perfecting.
So, this year I am going to home school my kids. I am going to focus primarily on loving my kids completely, and secondly on academics. This year I am going to take a step backwards and spend more time teaching my kids what a miracle they are - they deserve it.
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