To Really Love

When we moved in with my parents, I had an amazing plan of action. The plan consisted of something along the lines of showering at 5:00 am and staying up until midnight to fold laundry, mop floors, and do the dishes.


Insane plan.


But I made it with the intent to avoid asking my parents for help.


It is not that my parents do not want to help.... it is the opposite. My parents are eager to help in anyway possible, and they definitely love their grandchildren a lot.


Simply - I did not want to ask for help. Because asking for help always feels like an ultimate confession of weakness. A sign that I am not a good mother... or person.


My crazy do-everything-when-the-kids-are-asleep-plan lasted two days.
Impressive - right?


At the end of the two days, my entire world came to a stop.
I needed help, and I needed it badly.


Depressed and annoyed - I started to ask for help.
But I hated it.
Resented it.
And I started wishing that I had my own house back.


And then it happened. I cracked into a million pieces. My desires, interests, and happiness in life vanished. I started going through the motions without any pride or joy. I questioned what the point of motherhood is if I could not do it all... and perfectly at the same time.


I felt hollow.
Empty.
And alone.


Slowly, with the help of my parents and husband, I started to piece myself back together... and I am so grateful for them. The problem with trying to be that ultra-super-perfect-mother is that somewhere under all my insane expectations for myself, I buried who I am. My friendships, interests, and goals were neglected by the list of things that I thought I should do.... not cool.


I've learned that true motherhood strength comes from knowing when to ask for help and being willing to accept it. True super moms acknowledge that they can not do it all... and they are okay with that.



When packing up my house four weeks ago, multiple people asked to help.
I turned every single one of them down.
Moving?
I should be able to do that on my own.
Right?


No. I really should not have done that on my own. I lost an opportunity to be loved by amazing individuals who I am proud to call my friends... and I wore myself out in the process. Refusing help not only decreased my ability to function as a "good" mother while packing up my house - it debilitated me physically and emotionally after.


Sometimes trying to do "it all" decreases our ability to do anything at all.

“Bottom line is, even if you see 'em coming, you're not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So what are we, helpless? Puppets? No. The big moments are gonna come. You can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are.”

― Joss Whedon

This big moment of my life has taught me that I do not want to be that society-defined-super-mom who never asks for help. I want to love and be loved - because sometimes in that search for perfection you do not have time to really love. I want to spend more time loving others... and less time obsessing over the guilt of not being something more.

I do not want to do "it all."
I only want to do the things that matter most.



In the words of Marjorie Pay Hinckley: “I want to drive up [to the pearly gates] in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp. I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbors children. I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone's garden. I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder. I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived.”

First Day of School

Nate had his first day of graduate school two weeks ago.
Dear blog - will I ever catch up?

The last two weeks have been filled with campus confusion, rat brain dissections, electrodes, statistic classes with 11 ways to calculate the final grade, professors who prefer to be addressed as "the Egg," graduate orientation dinner, on-the-spot neuroscience teaching, 770 miles driven to and from campus, and packed lunches.


First day down....

The Mary Kay Service Lesson

Nate had the privilege to serve in a leadership capacity for almost three year at our church in Loveland Colorado. His responsibilities included early morning meetings before and after Sunday services, the occasional weekly meeting, and sitting on the stand during church meetings... which equates to Angie doing the keep-the-kids-reverent-during-church-dance alone.


At first, it was very rough. I had two boys under the age of three with a lot of energy and determination. Despite the slew of individuals willing to help, I believed that I should be able to do it on my own. Occasionally, I would allow them to help me... but the guilt I felt afterwards was tremendous. I felt that my energetic boys inhibited others from enjoying their church services and detracted from the atmosphere and goodness that could be felt during the services. With the attempt to avoid inconveniencing others, I avoided the help from others at all costs. Every Sunday I wrestled my kids into their seats... and I prayed that my boys would be reverent for ten minutes.


Skip forward ten months and I am pregnant with Colton.

Caleb, now a walking fifteen-months-old and He screams for Dad anytime he saw Nate sitting on the stand. Conner, three-years-old, does not like the idea of sitting still at church.

I did not know how I was going to make it with three kids.

Finally, when I was starting to loose hope... and question why my husband was called to serve... the amazing Mary Kay stepped in to help. She gently taught me that it is okay to ask for help - and she was amazing. It is astounding what Mary Kay can do... she is a sacrament-child-miracle.

I was beyond grateful.... but at the same time, I was extremely embarrassed.

Why couldn't I hold it together?
Why couldn't I do more, be more, and accomplish more?


For over a year, I felt guilty about needing help.

I felt guilty that instead of enjoying church, Mary Kay spent her Sunday protecting her glasses from Colton, bouncing various kids on her lap, and wrestling with Caleb for the marker that just drew all over his face.

I've got to admit that deep down, I wondered what it would be like to have Nate sitting by me during church. I wished I could tag-team him instead of inconveniencing someone else. As our move from Colorado to Utah approached, I caught myself looking forward to my husband sitting by me during church, helping with the get-everyone-ready-for-church-routine, and the break-down-from-three-hours-of-church-exhaustion chaos.


We love Mary Kay.
Mary Kay was the highlight of church.
Sitting with Mary Kay was an equivalent to spending time with Grandma.


On our last Sunday at our Loveland ward - I learned something.

As I watched Mary Kay hug my boys goodbye, I realized that all of her love and service was not done out of obligation or with malice. Mary Kay genuinely loved me and my children.
She served with charity, a genuine heart, and the desire to help me because she loved me... and I realized that I spent too much time feeling guilty, and not enough time enjoying her love.


The ability to serve with love, no thought for oneself, and true charity is amazing while the gift to receive service without feeling like a burden or guilty is simultaneously admirable. Guilt is a plague that distorts reality and removes the pleasure from service. Serving out of guilt lacks the Christ-like love - while receiving service with a side of guilt blinds us to the love of the Savior.

"God hears and answers our prayers,
but it is usually through the life of another that he answers them."
-Spencer W. Kimball

It is important to open our hearts to serving others while it is simultaneously important to open our hearts to the love of the Lord found in the service of others.

Both gifts are necessary.

What the FRCC???

Nate taught anatomy and physiology at Front Range Community College for five years.
Nate loved every cat-dissecting, formaldehyde-smelling, college-teaching moment.



The job was a miracle and a definite blessing in our life - it paid the bills while our chiropractic business was growing and defined Nate's vocational passion - teaching. Teaching at the university level is Disney land for Nate. His class always included funny videos, anatomy Macarena performed on the lab tables, playing with dead cats, and lots of anatomy jokes.



Talk about your dream job.

The last day Nate taught was full of mixed emotions. Front Range has been an amazing place to learn and grow, and it was hard to say goodbye to the place that inspired us to reach for our dreams and aspirations.

Thank you Front Range Community College for hiring Nate without an interview. Your trust in him was amazing.




Students at Front Range Community College, thank you for the petitions you signed to ensure that Nate would be assigned the classes you wanted him to teach. Thank you for filling his classes to maximum capacity - even the weekend class.


Oh and by the way... want to know what is more disgusting than dissected cats?





Watching your kids crawl around on the floor in the anatomy lab where cats are dissected. Totally gross. Major baths of disinfectant spray were performed after the picture was taken. Anatomy labs and little boys are not a match made in Heaven.

What REALLY Matters...

There is so much more to life than how skinny we are or how rich we are. Things that have so much more relevance to our life than a waste line or a bank account. Reach for the things that matter most.

Asking for Help

I have a sour taste in my mouth when it comes to people asking me for help. I am not proud of it, but I do. Why do they need help when I am somehow able to do it on my own? If only they balanced their time more, their commitments, and their obligations - they would not need my help.

But the truth is – I am exhausted, worn out, and empty. Asking for help does not need to be a bad thing – it is good. If I am unable to ask others to help me, is that because I am unable to ask my Savior? Or is the fact that I feel that my Savior does not want to help me the reasoning behind my inability to ask others? What will others think when they learn that I am not all together?

Will others believe that I am less of a mother or person because I am unable to “do it all”? Are dishes in the sink a sign of incompetence?

I don’t think so.

God does not expect perfection. The only perfection possible is when the Savior is in our lives – deeply, fully, and absolutely. The only form of perfection that exists when He is in our lives. Learning to depend on Him is necessary. We can not carry our spiritual, physical, or emotional burdens on our own. We need to cling to him and hold onto His strength to pull us through the trenches, the ups and downs, and the hard times of life.

Balance in life is only found when we crave God more than anything else. When we crave His presence, Spirit, and Charity over material possessions, worldly comforts, and recognition. Striving to put God first in our life and allow His opinion of us to matter more than anything else – provides balance. Put away the list of things that I should do – and start doing the things that I feel inspired to do.

Put away the natural man and accept the peace of God’s love for you. When you allow God’s love to overflow your life, you no longer have to worry about whether or not your effort is enough – when He is by your side, He will always make up the difference. The truth is that I will always fall short… the only way I will ever make it is when I ask for His help.

God will always hear and answer our prayers if we only turn to Him. He is the way, the truth, and the light.

Rely on God

Learning to rely upon the Lord, and ask for even solicit His help is vital.

Asking for help does not reveal weakness - rather it exposes strength.

Perfection.

Perfection is not an outward appearance.

It is an internal connection to God.