Universally Dependent

The railway once traveled through the neighborhood I grew up in.

Some visible tracks still exist.

As a young girl, the tracks terrified me. For months I had the same nightmare. The train is coming. I can hear the engine, smell the smoke, and hear the driver yell his warning. The train is coming and will not stop. Demolished houses and one very scared girl who can't find her mommy were always the result of this unstoppable train.

Every night I prayed very intently that the engineers of the train would be notified of our existence and change course.

For months I slept in my parent's room desperately holding on to my mother's arm in hopes that my dream would end differently.

Finally I outgrew that dream.

Just two nights ago my four-year-old awoke with a deafening scream.


The nightmares have started.


As I held him in my arms we both prayed that the "scaries" would leave, that his blanket would stop turning into a monster with eyes, and that peace and love to replace his fear.

Trusting that his prayer would be answered he rolled over onto his stomach and slept.

His unwavering child-like faith inspires me.

Sometimes I find myself believing that my sole responsibility is to teach my kids.

Sometimes I fail to recognize that the greatest blessings of motherhood
is the opportunity to learn from and listen to my kids.

I often find myself in that same old rut. The rut that has me wondering how many times I need to repeat myself before someone will listen or the rut that contains plain and pure exhaustion.

I wonder how it is that I will ever teach my kids everything they need to know.

Then the moments come. The moments in which my kids teach me by their example -- reminding me with their innate ability to love, readiness to forgive, and their child-like wisdom.

There are three little parts of me that have emerged and formed their own identities. With them they brought their own innate gifts wrapped in their own individual package that was formed inside of me. While their mannerisms and appearance differ from my own, they were once me.

The lessons they have come to teach me are specifically designed for me - patience, love, compassion, playfulness, creativity, forgiveness, and trust. We are universally dependent upon each other for our growth and maturity.


Will I slow down to learn? Or will I barrel through a canyon like an unyielding train unaware to the change of destination due to my inability to listen and learn?

I want to voluntarily receive the message to slow down, listen, and learn.

The Mother I Want to Be

As I dressed Conner in his church clothes this morning, I was taken by surprise. Conner's mannerisms, personality, and body build are no longer that of a toddler but rather that of a little man.

As I reflect upon the four years we have shared together, I am filled with the desire to somehow start all over. Knowing what I know now, there are mistakes I would not make again and hours that I would not spend worrying. I would have spent more time holding and loving my babies and less time worrying about creating bad habits, my body image, or my social status.

But the truth is, I would still make mistakes. If I was allowed the amazing opportunity to start this journey of motherhood anew, I would still spend too much time worrying and I would most definitely fall short of the mother I want to be.

Regardless of what I do, I will always fall short of the mother I want to be when I attempt to do it all by myself.

But the joy is found when I acknowledge that motherhood was not intended to be a solo plight. Jesus Christ is there with His arms outstretched ready to help me every step of the way. Through His constant love and tutelage, I can become the mother I was created to be.

Through His love, I can better meet the needs of my children, husband, family, and friends.


I just have to reach upwards, towards Him.


Sometimes it is hard to remember to make time in my day for Him. Overwhelming to-do lists, the constant needs of my children, and exhaustion all have a way of distracting me from the most important relationship I have - my relationship with my Savior.

My friend sent me an e-mail this week that reminded me of how important this relationship is. In her e-mail she said:

"I remember distinctly being in your phase of life and deciding that I needed a short list of what my goals for the day would be. I decided if I accomplished scripture reading and family prayer, it was a good day. I still have to remind myself of that sometimes."

I am so grateful for her reminder.

My life has an innate way of complicating itself. Most of the complication is really not necessary and the majority of it is self-inflicted.

I have found when I hold onto the Savior and strive to live in simplicity, things have a way of resolving themselves. The Savior's unconditional love reminds me that it is okay to be imperfect and He renews my ability to unselfishly serve my children. His unconditional love blesses me with more patience and He generously fills in the gaps when I can't possibly give or be more.

By reaching up to His outstreatched arms, He will lead me, guide me, and walk beside me. He will help me find the way to be the mother I want to be.

Supermom Redefined

Somewhere along my journey in motherhood, I got the idea that being supermom entailed keeping a perfect house, limiting television time for my kids, and a "Disney Land" lifestyle.

I was wrong.

Today I realized that what my kids need most is food, water, love, and time to just be. I have often wondered why my boys don't appreciate the glorious outings I plan, the play dates, and the want-to-be-gourmet-meals that I try to cook.

All of these activities have been for me - not for them.

My boys just want to be. They crave simplicity. While outings are fun, they need time to explore their little world, learn their limits, and be loved.

Motherhood is not as complicated as I have made it. Motherhood is about forgetting the daily schedule (except for the much needed nap time) and flying into a world of imagination and love. A world in which the power of a kiss eases intense pain and a hug solves any problem. Experiencing your childhood all over again is the magnificent gift of motherhood.

My kids don't want a supermom that sews, has a gazillion friends, keeps an immaculate house, and prepare gourmet meals. My kids want a supermom who plays with them, serves grape nuts for dinner each night, and loves them every second of the day.

Minus the grape nuts for dinner each night - I want to be their version of supermom.

Born to Bike

We have a biking enthusiast at our house.
At two and a half months, our little Colton just can't get enough bike time with Dad.
Born to bike baby... born to bike.

Aren't Babies Wonderful?

i simply can not get enough of this little guy.

his excitement, his little fat rolls, and his smell.

i love being his mom.

aren't babies wonderful?

Roles and Responsibilities

I've been thinking a lot lately about who I am.

I know and understand the traditional answers. I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a neighbor, a daughter of God, etc.

I want to know more than that.

Under all of the layers of assumed roles and responsibilities I carry each day, who am I?

The only problem is, I can't seem to get a hold on my life long enough to understand who I am. Moments are quickly leaking away while I desperately try to close in the gaps.

Each night I go to bed vowing that I will gain control tomorrow.

Inevitably, I fail.

Tonight I realized that life is not about stopping up the holes in our lives. Time flows like a waterfall. No matter how hard we try to stop it, it will continue rolling forward. Life is not about gaining control of the dishes or keeping laundry out of the laundry bin - although these tasks are essential to our survival. Life is about getting wet and riding the fall of the water.

I have often wondered what the world would be like if William Shakespeare decided not to write or if Handel decided not to compose music. Our world would not be the same without their shared masterpieces.

What mark do I need to leave on the world?

Yesterday in church I realized what the phrase "to bear one another's burdens" really means.

I also realized that I have selfishly been impatient with my family. Hours of moments spent debating who I am have emotionally (and at times physically) have removed me from my family. I want present time consciousness. I want to play with and enjoy my kids.

I don't want to worry about Angie anymore. I want to focus on strengthening those who surround me. I want to raise honest and good children who know and love the Lord. These two characteristics mean more to me than any form of success the world has to offer.

I want to know the gospel. I want to play with and teach my children. I want to love my husband. I want to have a mind that is constantly in tune with the spirit allowing me to be a better servant.

I need to eliminate things from my life that do not allow me to focus the way I need to.

Because I want to be better.

I want to be stronger.

I want to raise warrior children.

Being a homemaker is the best calling in the world, and I am grateful for it.