love and thanks

Baby Chewbacca (named by CJ) has been growing in my stomach for over twelve weeks.  Twelve incredibly challenging weeks with consistent nausea, black outs, and complete exhaustion.

It is always a sacrifice to make a baby.

But, never before, have I been so physically challenged.

I haven't announced the pregnancy to the world because the overwhelming sickness worries me.  I have learned to never check the internet for pregnancy related information because I always find information that scares the crap out of me.  Apparently overwhelming sickness can relate to a non-viable pregnancy, multiple babies, and/or a girl.
 
 I am just hoping to for ten fingers and ten toes and lunch today. 

I kept the information quiet for a long time.  My mom made multiple weekly visits, mopped my floors, and entertained my kids.  Nate has been super amazing with breakfast routines, packing lunches, homework help, and holding everything together.  My sister-in-laws have called regularly to check on me, run errands for me, bring my family food, and make emergency visits to my house when the world was spinning very fast and very black.  My brother brings me juice (the only fluid I could keep down for a long time) and offers to bring food on a regular basis.

Holy Moly.
I feel spoiled and excited and grateful because this soon-to-be-baby and I are very loved.

Christmas break ended and scouting and volunteering and speech therapy started up once again.  Too dizzy to drive, friends picked up scouting responsibilities and kids and my mom began volunteering.  I started telling close friends about the pregnancy... I made the mistake of pulling away from friends when overwhelmed with pregnancy in the past, and I didn't want to make that mistake again.

I am so grateful for the support I have received.

Chicken noodle soup with snacks for my kids showed up at my house one day.  My neighbors have shoveled my walks on multiple occasions when Nate has left before the sun rises and returns when the kids are in bed.  Pizza with drinks and cookies showed up at my house last night. Text message check-ins.  Listening ears.  And love... lots of love.

Life is beginning to maybe become a little bit more manageable.  I ate breakfast today and was able to keep it down and the light-headed-ness has been gone for almost ten hours - yeah!  But despite the hardness, it is always hard for me to receive help from others.  It makes me feel anxious and guilty.  Because deep down I still believe that I should be able to do it all by myself.  I am grateful for the people that lovingly teach me it is okay to lean on them.

I had not planned to blog about this... but the more I have thought about it, the more I wanted/needed to.  So many people have helped me with my babies before and after birth and I am beyond grateful to them.  I am grateful for my friends in Texas that answered every pregnancy related question, brought me food, visited me in the hospital, and held my baby with love.  Caleb and Colton were received with love in a very similar manner in Colorado.  Every one of my babies has been born into an environment rich in love.  And this soon-to-be baby is no exception.

Thank you to each of you for holding my hand and loving me. Thank you to those of you who have physically supported my family with food and babysitting and help.  I am beyond grateful for the individuals who have helped me make and love and sustain my babies.  Your love leaves me breathless with gratitude.