holy grail of the dinner plate {according to angie}

I was fifteen minutes early.  Conner had been gone exactly 2 hours and forty-five minutes and it felt like an eternity.  First day of kindergarten = longest morning of my life.

I wanted needed to be there with my arms wide when those doors opened and released my not-so-baby-boy.  I sat waiting in the car with imagination movers keeping the younger boys company as my fight-or-flight response continued to pump through my body.  I waited and waited.  Camera sitting on the seat next to me accompanied with a box of tissues.

Moms finally started emerging from their cars and I carefully followed.  Up ahead leaning against the brick wall stood someone very familiar with a baby on her hip.  My heart skipped a beat when I realized who this familiar person was.  Seriously!  Worst day of my life transformed to best day ever.

Reaching for the camera, I hopped from the car and raced to her side.

"Are you her?"  I asked casually.  Surely New York Times Bestsellers are used to this  kind of question.

She smiled casually and asked if my son was in kindergarten and who his teacher was.

I answered her question briefly but my nerves were on fire with excitement.  I told her multiple times how much I love her writing and her books and her work and finally I begged her to never ever stop writing.

I was going to ask for a picture with her... but I think my excitement was a little too much.

Conner emerged from school and the conversation ended.  Sadly, I was too embarrassed by my overwhelming first-encounter excitement that I never spoke with her again.  Despite the fact that she lived two neighborhoods down for a year and we share many mutual friends and our kids are on the same soccer team and I saw her at church almost every Sunday (different ward same stake) and her oldest son was in my Bear den.

I was worried that my excitement made me look like some kind of crazy stalker fan.


But the worst part of this story is that I started comparing myself.  I love writing stories and creating characters and dreaming up different worlds... but I don't feel a writing career is the right choice for my life right now.  I practice writing every day and study writing technique books and sketch down every story idea that floats through my brain hoping that when the time comes, I will be ready.

But daily sightings of a young mom living her writing dream while changing diapers tore at my heart.  If she could do it, then what was wrong with me?  Obviously, I needed more dedication and a writing blog.  I needed to be stricter with my time and embrace my dream with more enthusiasm.

I tried.
I really did.

But things started to fall apart.  Food began molding in the back of the fridge on a regular basis, exercise never happened, our healthy eating habits began to fall by the way side.  I was happy to be writing on a frequent basis.  So incredibly happy... but I didn't feel amazing because things that are important to me began to be neglected.  

Ultimately to make a long story somewhat shorter, I learned (in the end) that we each have a different pace in life that needs to be respected.  Some women are happy to be go-go-go... but I am not one of those women, and that is okay.  After five years of spending every free moment I had developing marketing schemes and planning patient appreciation luncheons, I hate structured free time.  I still have boxes to unpack from the move and if Nate's research continues to grow at its current rate, it won't be long before I am packing boxes up once again and moving {probably} across state lines once again.

My life speed is unique.
Completely different from anyone else.
Trying to keep up with anyone else besides the needs of my family is completely unwise and stupid.

As a kid, my mom and dad used to warn me against dishing up too much food onto my plate at dinner.

"You can always go back for seconds," they would say, "but once you dish that food up on your plate you have to finish it."

Life - I believe - is the same way.  We have to be careful what expectations we place upon ourself, selective to our commitments, and generous with ourselves.  In the New Testament, we learn that Christ came that we might have life and that we might have it more abundantly.  For me, I don't believe abundance is a plate over piled with food that I will never ever be able to eat or a life filled with commitments that drain my happiness and energy.

Abundance {for me} is learning to say "no".  Making the time to care for my needs in addition to my children so I can be better for others.  It is about saying "yes" when I can with no expectations. Dedicating time to learning and self-education. Kissing my husband more often.  Laughing and playing games.  Working as a family.  Making service a priority.  And seeking my Savior diligently.

And I believe that everyone in this world has their own definition of abundance.
We just have to make sure we are chasing the right definition.

I don't know if this post makes any sense, or if it is just coming across as a bunch of rambling.
I simply wish that I had learned these lessons years ago.   
That it is okay to sit out of the race and chase life at your own pace.

I harbored anxiety that I wasn't running fast enough... and because of that I wasn't good enough.  My thoughts turned to poison and made my life very scary for a short period of time.  I am oh-so-grateful for the people who took the time to teach me these lessons through their words and actions and deeds.

Because really.  Life isn't a race.  Sometimes it is about slowing down to find your own pace and learning to be okay with that and it is about learning to embrace your limitations with charity while supporting your own personal needs and dreams.

Finding the courage to be content with who we are while taking care of ourselves and embracing our dreams at our own individual pace?

I think that is the secret holy grail of the dinner plate.