"I am a bad neighbor, I should help you out more."
"I should have come helped you with your kids."
Something about having a new baby brings all the shoulds to surface in the neighborhood. I am constantly confronted by neighbors with obsessive apologies about not being "there" for me despite the meals, boxes of diapers, and gifts that have flooded my house and heart with their love.
And I wish that I was bold enough to say:
"Stop apologizing. You are amazing. Your gifts, love, and hugs mean the world to me. And to be honest, I am introverted. I am particular and ultra-picky and I like my space and my food. My kids aren't that stressful and if I needed help I would have called. You would only need to apologize if you were in my space - every day - holding my baby when all I wanted to do was snuggle up in my bed with my family and close the curtains to the world. All I need from you is your love. Please talk to me when I see you, ask me how things are going, and if it looks like my emotions are on edge... please give me a hug. That is what I really need from you."
Their apologies make me sad. Maybe I haven't been honest enough about who I am and what my expectations of the world are. Either way, the stress of their carried shoulds are worthless because they are not what I need.
Turn the table.
Today has been a crazy one. Long trains of wrapping paper cover my carpet because my three-year-old decided that a sword fight with the cardboard tubes would be fun. Corner time-out time has happened more than usual. And it took me three hours to shower and get ready for the day.
Deep breath.
Looking around my house, I should really dig in and tackle the dishes. Mildew clothes in the washing machine are not my chosen brand of potpourri. And I do not need to crochet some cute headbands for baby girl. I want to give my boys some undivided attention and I need to sit down and just hold my baby for a couple of minutes.
Holy moly.
The shoulds of life are everywhere, like a mosquito preying on life-giving energy - they suck away my ability to feel happy and content with my life. They make me feel like my best is never enough and that I am never doing the right thing with my time.
And like my friends, I spend my time running from one thing to the next trying to conquer the never ending list of shoulds life creates. And more often than not, the shoulds of life do not serve and create happiness. They often hurt myself, my family, and others.
I should not sew baby blanket gifts for people if sewing does not make me happy. I should not volunteer at school every week if the stress of it - with a newborn - is too much. I should not have a picture perfect home with four kids. I need to ditch the shoulds, start a load of laundry and cuddle my kids.
And I think I am bold enough to finally say:
"Stop apologizing Angie. Just love and hug your kids. Introverted-ness is okay. You have permission to enjoy your space. It is empowering to ask for help. Slow down, hold your family, and make time for the things that put a smile on your face - it will make your family happier too. Love. Love. Love. It's okay to break down. Ditch the shoulds and embrace the now. Who you are now, right now - this very minute - is more than enough."
Who I am right now is more than enough - say three times and repeat.
And by the way, you are more than enough too.
What would you do, right now, without the weight of the shoulds holding you back?
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