To Really Love

When we moved in with my parents, I had an amazing plan of action. The plan consisted of something along the lines of showering at 5:00 am and staying up until midnight to fold laundry, mop floors, and do the dishes.


Insane plan.


But I made it with the intent to avoid asking my parents for help.


It is not that my parents do not want to help.... it is the opposite. My parents are eager to help in anyway possible, and they definitely love their grandchildren a lot.


Simply - I did not want to ask for help. Because asking for help always feels like an ultimate confession of weakness. A sign that I am not a good mother... or person.


My crazy do-everything-when-the-kids-are-asleep-plan lasted two days.
Impressive - right?


At the end of the two days, my entire world came to a stop.
I needed help, and I needed it badly.


Depressed and annoyed - I started to ask for help.
But I hated it.
Resented it.
And I started wishing that I had my own house back.


And then it happened. I cracked into a million pieces. My desires, interests, and happiness in life vanished. I started going through the motions without any pride or joy. I questioned what the point of motherhood is if I could not do it all... and perfectly at the same time.


I felt hollow.
Empty.
And alone.


Slowly, with the help of my parents and husband, I started to piece myself back together... and I am so grateful for them. The problem with trying to be that ultra-super-perfect-mother is that somewhere under all my insane expectations for myself, I buried who I am. My friendships, interests, and goals were neglected by the list of things that I thought I should do.... not cool.


I've learned that true motherhood strength comes from knowing when to ask for help and being willing to accept it. True super moms acknowledge that they can not do it all... and they are okay with that.



When packing up my house four weeks ago, multiple people asked to help.
I turned every single one of them down.
Moving?
I should be able to do that on my own.
Right?


No. I really should not have done that on my own. I lost an opportunity to be loved by amazing individuals who I am proud to call my friends... and I wore myself out in the process. Refusing help not only decreased my ability to function as a "good" mother while packing up my house - it debilitated me physically and emotionally after.


Sometimes trying to do "it all" decreases our ability to do anything at all.

“Bottom line is, even if you see 'em coming, you're not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So what are we, helpless? Puppets? No. The big moments are gonna come. You can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are.”

― Joss Whedon

This big moment of my life has taught me that I do not want to be that society-defined-super-mom who never asks for help. I want to love and be loved - because sometimes in that search for perfection you do not have time to really love. I want to spend more time loving others... and less time obsessing over the guilt of not being something more.

I do not want to do "it all."
I only want to do the things that matter most.



In the words of Marjorie Pay Hinckley: “I want to drive up [to the pearly gates] in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp. I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbors children. I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone's garden. I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder. I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived.”