Roles and Responsibilities

I've been thinking a lot lately about who I am.

I know and understand the traditional answers. I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a neighbor, a daughter of God, etc.

I want to know more than that.

Under all of the layers of assumed roles and responsibilities I carry each day, who am I?

The only problem is, I can't seem to get a hold on my life long enough to understand who I am. Moments are quickly leaking away while I desperately try to close in the gaps.

Each night I go to bed vowing that I will gain control tomorrow.

Inevitably, I fail.

Tonight I realized that life is not about stopping up the holes in our lives. Time flows like a waterfall. No matter how hard we try to stop it, it will continue rolling forward. Life is not about gaining control of the dishes or keeping laundry out of the laundry bin - although these tasks are essential to our survival. Life is about getting wet and riding the fall of the water.

I have often wondered what the world would be like if William Shakespeare decided not to write or if Handel decided not to compose music. Our world would not be the same without their shared masterpieces.

What mark do I need to leave on the world?

Yesterday in church I realized what the phrase "to bear one another's burdens" really means.

I also realized that I have selfishly been impatient with my family. Hours of moments spent debating who I am have emotionally (and at times physically) have removed me from my family. I want present time consciousness. I want to play with and enjoy my kids.

I don't want to worry about Angie anymore. I want to focus on strengthening those who surround me. I want to raise honest and good children who know and love the Lord. These two characteristics mean more to me than any form of success the world has to offer.

I want to know the gospel. I want to play with and teach my children. I want to love my husband. I want to have a mind that is constantly in tune with the spirit allowing me to be a better servant.

I need to eliminate things from my life that do not allow me to focus the way I need to.

Because I want to be better.

I want to be stronger.

I want to raise warrior children.

Being a homemaker is the best calling in the world, and I am grateful for it.