excited

Little-boy-drawn-pictures are exciting.

Playing hide-n-go seek one billion times and then hiding in the same spot two billion times is exciting.

Two-year-old boys parading around the world in their birthday suit is exciting.
(But only when the I-don't-want-to-get-dressed battle between mom and child is forgotten.)

Indiana Jones shoulder bags are exciting.  Did you know that Indiana Jones wears his shoulder bag for one purpose only?  Extra Underwear! 

Fighting archeology wars is important and sometimes your pants get wet in the process... and sometimes they don't but it is important to practice.  Caleb wetting his pants on PURPOSE to simply practice the skill of changing underwear... well, that one is exciting to him.

 

Going to dinner with a group of professional neuroscientists and their wives in a remote high-scale mountain town... is exciting and a lot of fun. 

Friends that hold our hands are exciting.

Discovering an interest in running is exciting. 

operation: burn the stump

Campfires in the front yard are the bomb-dot-com.

 

Especially when tin foil pizzas are in the mix.


Operation burn the Stump?  Unsuccessful.
Operation feed the boys?  Success!

Which is really all that really matters in the end.
Hooray for my temporary front-yard-fire-pit.
S'mores... anyone?

25 + 3

I celebrated my 25 + 3 birthday on Thursday.
I once imagined that the 25 + 3 year old version of me
would be a version that "had it all together."

Standing here today at 25 + 3
I don't have it "all together."
And I never want to "have it all together."

Instead, I want to spend my time hugging my kids,
kissing my husband,
and enjoying the life that is mine.

Because my life - quite honestly - rocks.
I am blessed with a best-friend-husband that spoils me with earrings and stories and compliments
and three little boys that always kiss me good night.

25+3
I am sure,
you will be the best year of my life.

going up

the best kind of glue

If fathers and children were the paper, then the mamas would be the glue. 
Glue, after all, is very important.
Glue provides strength, foundation, and support.

I once believed that my family's happiness and success was entirely dependent upon me and my ability to perfectly hold it all together. I was wrong.  I am coming to understand that while my moods, attitude, and aspirations do have an effect upon my family as a whole - I am not the glue.

God's love perfectly binds us together in a bond that can not be replicated or destroyed.
He is the only reliable source to lean upon.
And I am so grateful for Him, His love, and His support. 

In This House, We CTR!

Conner has this cute habit of writing CTR on the brick by our front door... and I love it! 
In this house, we CTR!

testimony: tithing

When I was a little girl, I made a promise to myself and my Heavenly Father that I would always choose to pay tithing. It has not always been easy. But I know that when I pay my tithing Heavenly Father will open the windows of Heaven with blessings.

Six years ago, my husband Nathan graduated from Chiropractic College. We moved to Colorado and started our own Chiropractic business. It was really really hard at the beginning… and I love the principle of tithing because I know that it blessed my life during this difficult time in our lives… and I know that it continues to bless us.

Heavenly Father taught me the true principle of tithing one day when our bank account did not have enough money to pay our house payment and tithing. We were faced with a decision… an important decision that was really hard to make. We counseled together and with the Lord. We made the choice to pay tithing.

Our bank account did not magically fill with funds… and it bothered me at first. Heavenly Father, I thought, had promised me that if I always paid tithing, He would open the doors and windows of Heaven and shower down blessings.

I didn’t know it at the time, but Heavenly Father was teaching me that He will open windows and doors… but not in the ways we expect. Two days after we paid tithing, a good friend surprised me with ten large black bags filled with clothing for my kids. Another friend surprised us with extra tomatoes from her garden. And another friend surprised me with toys that her kids no longer needed.

With a lot of hard work, blessings, fasting, and prayer – we were able to obtain the money to pay our tithing and house payment.

The list goes on…

I was humbled to learn that Heavenly Father had made it possible for us to pay our rent and tithing through the service of our friends. Money did not magically appear, but blessings did.

As things in our life became more stable, the economy did not. Our business, despite the many failures of friends, continued to grow. Our bank account continued to grow and the majority of our debts had disappeared. One day when we felt that life had finally become comfortable, God told us it was time to pack our bags and leave everything we had built in Colorado.

At first I was really scared to leave.

It is always scary to make life changes.

But I knew that I could trust God to provide for me and my family because we had always paid our tithing. I want you to know that if you promise your Heavenly Father to always choose the right and pay your tithing, that He will open the doors of Heaven and bless you and your family.

A wise friend used to always say: “You can never get ahead of the Lord.” Every time you make the choice to pay your tithing, God will always bless you.

guilt and atonement

Guilt blinds us to the love of our Savior.  Decreasing our happiness and faithfulness, with guilt things will never be good enough.  The art of self transformation is a good thing - but not when the guilt eliminates our ability to celebrate our accomplishments and growth.


Rather than holding on to guilt, celebrate the atonement.


I am imperfect today - yes.
I will make mistakes today - yes.
But regardless, I will celebrate.  My Savior conquered all and has saved me from the fall.  I can find joy in my infirmities because they bring me closer to Him. 

Embracing the atonement is a daily act of worship. 

dreaming big

I have a lot of big dreams for the future.  Dreams that involve Disney Land, more babies, a steady paycheck, and writing.

Dreaming is good.
Necessary.
Inspiring.

Among the pile of dreams lies the opportunity to embrace the present moment.  The moment that holds no vacation plans, no pregnancies, PhD school income, and limited time to write.  Sometimes the thrill of the books and Mickey Mouse distract me from the dream that means the most to me - the act of raising three incredible boys.

And, that dream?
I am living it every day.

everything

There are a lot of things in life that demand my attention.
A lot.
And as I try my best to do it all - I am learning that I do not want to do it all.



I don't want to do everything and be everything.
And I am learning (slowly) to be okay with that.



Learning to slow my life down is hard. The process of readjusting personal expectations and goals can be heart-wrenching. I am learning to say no more often - to myself and others.

Cleaning up my life from non-important commitments and unrealistic expectations is a tough expedition. The more I try to not be everything, the more my brain tells me I should. I really should write more, finish my book, paint my walls, sew that Easter basket, write those notes, return those calls, study my scriptures more, mop my floor daily, scrub those toilets, exercise more often, bake my own bread, fold the laundry, volunteer at school every week, and somehow find time to play with my kids more.

My mental I-should-do-that list distracts me from everything that is waiting at the table for me.



Everything I want and everything I need is waiting for me.
All I have to do is open my heart (and mouth).



Love, magic, and joy await....
but sometimes my eyes are blinded by the "shoulds."



I am beginning to believe that the secret to everything is availability - mentally and emotionally.
I want everything that motherhood has to offer.
I want it smeared all over my face, in my mouth, and deep within my heart.

When a woman understands that one of the greatest gifts she will ever receive from her creator is to have the opportunity to touch eternity through artfully nurturing the mind, heart and soul of a child, whose life will have implications for all of eternity, her life joins in kingdom purposes with God.

- Sally Clarkson

-- I really want to start a Mom Heart group. Anyone seriously interested?
-- I love this post about Quitting. I want to be a quitter.
-- I want more jewels around my neck.
-- And I love this reminder from Thomas S. Monson. I am printing this out and hanging it all over my house. Today.

what are you trying to catch?

One late September afternoon, I took the boys fishing with my dad.

Despite our best efforts, we did not catch any fish.

We did not catch any fish... but we caught a whole lot of fun. We splashed in puddles, played with leaves, tangled grandpa's fishing line, climbed big rocks, kicked rocks, and laughed a lot along the way.

Sometimes I forget to have fun along the way.
I forget to stop and enjoy the pleasure of dipping my feet in the water.

And I become too distracted to enjoy the smiles that come along the way.

Six months ago, our life changed tremendously when my husband decided to go back to school for a PhD. We closed a business, sold a house, and moved away from our friends-that-were-family. My husband now works and attends school full-time, while I stay home with our three boys... and I am so grateful for his hardworking attitude that allows me to stay-at-home.

At times, I confuse what it is that I am trying to catch. I believe the full-time job with benefits, the big pay check, and the steady income is the secret to enjoying life fully.

I consider going back to work.
I beat myself up for not obtaining more than a bachelor degree in psychology...
and I start to lose the joy to the heavy burden of fear and insecurity.


CJ taps my head and says the word "duck"
Caleb says "mom you pretty"
Conner tells me that his favorite part of the day was playing Angry Birds with me


And instantly I am transformed. Reminded that true joy in life is not found in paychecks, money, and gold. Reminded that the true reason for living is to love and be loved.

Life.
This amazing life.
Has so much to offer.
And so many blessings to catch...
if only we are holding up the right net.

"When we seek happiness through accumulation, either outside of ourselves - from other people, relationships, or material goods - or from our own self-development, we are missing the essential point. Completion comes not from adding another piece to ourselves but from surrendering our ideas of perfection."

Mark Epstein, M.D. from The Buddha

Everlasting Grapenuts

Conner wakes up at 6:00 am every morning.
Starving.

Walking into my room I am awoken by a starving-I-am-going-to-die-child that is begging for food. I pry my eyes open and mumble that I am getting up. I promise that I am going to get up. I actually throw the covers off of me to show that I am getting up... while my body stays in bed.

I stay in bed until the hungry child begins to cry. Resentfully, I get out of bed. I blindly stumble into the kitchen running into walls and stepping on Lego's - my eyes unwilling to wake up, my hands clumsy, and my feet floating.

I pour the bowl of grape nuts and lie down in bed until the bowl needs to be refilled.
Grapenuts are hard to clean when spilled... I know that for a fact.
So, I climb back out of bed to refill the bowls.
Awake.
Asleep.
Awake.
Asleep

Life.
Breakfast in particular - is exhausting.


Conner created his own little solution for our breakfast traumas. Before bed each night, we pour a little bowl of grape nuts and set it out on the table for him with a spoon. We pour small cups of soy milk and place them on the bottom shelf in the refrigerator for easy access. And we assemble shirts, pants, shoes, and socks to be worn the next morning.

I am not a morning person.


I wish that there was a magical pre-poured-bowl of grapenuts sitting at the table of life. Waiting for me. Grapenuts that spelled out all of the vital answers to all of my major life questions.


Questions like:

"why graduate school?"

"why did we leave our amazing home, fantastic friends, and successful business?"

"why did that full-time FRCC job open up four months after we moved?"

"why did the Fort Collins temple - the temple I earnestly prayed for - get announced after we decided we were leaving Loveland?"

"where will life take us after graduate school?"

"will I ever have another baby?"


Sometimes, I find myself sitting at the table of life somewhat impatient for the answers to come my way. I am starving and I want that bowl of answers right now. Life, fun, and peace only come when my stomach, heart, and mind are satisfied. I need that bowl of everlasting grapenuts... and I need it now.

Thomas S. Monson once said that although we can not direct the winds of life - we can direct the sails. So, I sit and I ponder and I read... and I realize that maybe I was not created to have all of the answers - all at once. That maybe all of my personal struggles, questions, and insecurities can act as stepping stones to reach a higher more Christlike sense of living.

And maybe once my my sails are directed towards a more grateful heart - that everlasting bowl of grapenuts will come one bite of a time... and I'll be waiting with my mouth wide open.

Love Letter for Life

December and January have been big months.

We lost a soon-to-be-born cousin, a grandfather, and a grandmother. Amongst all of the funerals and family moments, I became caught up in my own grief and the grief of others... and I started to forget the joys in life.

I stopped blogging for a lot of reasons. Number one, it is so easy for me to compare myself to you. You, all of you, are beyond amazing... and when I am not careful with my thoughts, I start to believe that your amazing-ness decreases my ability to be amazing. I thought that running away from blogging would incinerate my thoughts of inadequacy, but I was wrong. Sitting by my grandmother's bed for the last time on Monday, she reminded me that life is fun... and if it is not fun, I am living it wrong.

She gave me the courage to (amongst all my personal doubts about myself) redeem my one time only voucher to undelete my blog for free.





And she motivated me to re-dedicate my life to finding the adventures in life. All too often, I catch myself obsessing about the ways in which I am not perfect. I thought that once I wrote that book, sewed that whatever, lost those pounds, or painted the front room - my life would be fun again. I continued to procrastinate the day I would allow myself time to paint my nails, watch a movie, or play a game of Killer Bunnies. Fun can wait... right?

I was wrong.
Joy and happiness come from attitude.
And I am re-dedicating my life to the adventures that await.

... and I am dedicating this blog to document the moments that make me smile.



Re-dedicating myself to enjoying those joyful moments a little bit more. The moments to stand up and shine.



The moments spent standing in the background silently applauding with your presence... while trying to not smile my entire face off because I am so incredibly proud of my kids.



The yogurt that is smeared all over CJ's body. This boy does not moisturize... he probiotic-izes.



The hills to sled down.





The days to mourn and say good bye to those you love.



The shoulders to sit on and big yellow signs to hold.





The handsome brothers to welcome home.








The uncles-that-would-rather-be-Santa.... and still ask me what I want for Christmas.









The excitement of Christmas mornings.
(and watching your children love the gift you made... isn't the Lego table awesome?)



The comfortable socks to wear from Japan.



The incredibly cute babies to kiss



The head lamps to wear - day and night - for an entire three days straight.



The silent Lego competitions to observe.



The cute half-naked-baby-wearing-my-shoes moments





The nerf gun planes that hide all of my phones.... and then they die in a mysterious location.



The daddy shoes to hold during long car rides.



The books to read.







The smiley cheeks to kiss.... even if the kisses are removed with a five-year-old-hand-wipe.



The paint your nose-red-and-sing moments.



The gingerbread houses to build.



The daddy built Saturday morning Pirate Lego ships.





The love letters to write.



And the love letters to receive.




Life can be one long love letter... if we choose to live our life that way.


Dear Life,

I love you. Thank you for your many miracles. Thank you for the times you make me laugh... and thank you for the times I cry. Thank you for the joy you provide.

XOXO