Everlasting Grapenuts

Conner wakes up at 6:00 am every morning.
Starving.

Walking into my room I am awoken by a starving-I-am-going-to-die-child that is begging for food. I pry my eyes open and mumble that I am getting up. I promise that I am going to get up. I actually throw the covers off of me to show that I am getting up... while my body stays in bed.

I stay in bed until the hungry child begins to cry. Resentfully, I get out of bed. I blindly stumble into the kitchen running into walls and stepping on Lego's - my eyes unwilling to wake up, my hands clumsy, and my feet floating.

I pour the bowl of grape nuts and lie down in bed until the bowl needs to be refilled.
Grapenuts are hard to clean when spilled... I know that for a fact.
So, I climb back out of bed to refill the bowls.
Awake.
Asleep.
Awake.
Asleep

Life.
Breakfast in particular - is exhausting.


Conner created his own little solution for our breakfast traumas. Before bed each night, we pour a little bowl of grape nuts and set it out on the table for him with a spoon. We pour small cups of soy milk and place them on the bottom shelf in the refrigerator for easy access. And we assemble shirts, pants, shoes, and socks to be worn the next morning.

I am not a morning person.


I wish that there was a magical pre-poured-bowl of grapenuts sitting at the table of life. Waiting for me. Grapenuts that spelled out all of the vital answers to all of my major life questions.


Questions like:

"why graduate school?"

"why did we leave our amazing home, fantastic friends, and successful business?"

"why did that full-time FRCC job open up four months after we moved?"

"why did the Fort Collins temple - the temple I earnestly prayed for - get announced after we decided we were leaving Loveland?"

"where will life take us after graduate school?"

"will I ever have another baby?"


Sometimes, I find myself sitting at the table of life somewhat impatient for the answers to come my way. I am starving and I want that bowl of answers right now. Life, fun, and peace only come when my stomach, heart, and mind are satisfied. I need that bowl of everlasting grapenuts... and I need it now.

Thomas S. Monson once said that although we can not direct the winds of life - we can direct the sails. So, I sit and I ponder and I read... and I realize that maybe I was not created to have all of the answers - all at once. That maybe all of my personal struggles, questions, and insecurities can act as stepping stones to reach a higher more Christlike sense of living.

And maybe once my my sails are directed towards a more grateful heart - that everlasting bowl of grapenuts will come one bite of a time... and I'll be waiting with my mouth wide open.

faith...

The faith this little boy has in me is humbling. Regardless of my inadequacies as a mother and individual, he is always there to greet me with his amazing smile. Wow. Being a mom is amazing.

Faith Grows Back In....

A couple months ago I started losing hair. I had to be careful about the manner in which I styled my hair, combed my hair, and even washed my hair to prevent additional loss... and worse public attention. I started to worry that I would lose all of my hair, that the bald patches would be noticeable, and that something was definitely wrong with me.

The last couple of weeks have been intense at our house. Graduate school applications, business meetings with potential buyers, and a very busy schedule that keeps Nate working early mornings and very late nights. It has been busy - but filled with hope. Hope that graduate school will solve our problems and secure the kind of lifestyle we long to live.

Thursday the mail came and delivered a letter that sent fear to our hearts. The University of Utah did not accept Nate to their neuroscience program. While we have applied to many other PhD programs and teaching positions, our hearts were invested upon attending the U. When we learned that Nate would not be studying neuroscience at the U, our future started to look a little bald and bleak. Questions, doubts, and insecurities started to fill our minds and conversations.

Yesterday I noticed that the little bald patches on my head are starting to fill with new growth. As I surveyed the new little hairs in the mirror, tears started to flow down my cheeks. Faith, hope, and peace all grow back when my soul is anchored upon the Savior.

The Savior can calm the raging storms with in our heart.
The Savior can provide the answers needed to walk upon the water without fear.
The Savior is the way, the truth, and the light.

I am grateful for God's tender mercy yesterday reminding me that faith, hope, and peace will always grow back. I am grateful that God has the power to fill in our bald spots.