Grape Flavored Epidurals

Burning pain encircled my abdomen and fingers gripped tightly to Nate's right hand - hard.  Delivering a baby is like a one shot dose of kryptonite to the muscles in my hand.

"Hi, my name is Steve.  I am here to help you with your epidural."  The cleaned-up-blue-scrubbed man says.  My eyes looked up from the corner in the ceiling to smile at my new friend.

Nate's arm is dislodged from it's socket as my body pulls against it.  Getting out of a bed had never been so challenging.

"Hey Steve,"  my voice comes out hoarse despite the attempt to be polite, "I have been waiting for you.  Before you stab that %#@! needle in my back, I have some questions for you."  The cuss word slipped out without notice.  Let it be known that Angie has a potty mouth during labor and delivery.

"Okay,"

"I went natural with my last baby.  It hurt like &*#!.  I am scared to death to go through that again.  But... during my previous deliveries with my first two kids, the epidural did nothing to numb the pain of that stupid catheter... and I felt that horrid blade cut through my skin during the episiotomy.  I really do not want to be held down to the bed while I am stitched up again today...Can you promise me that your epidural will numb the pain of the catheter?"

"Well, I am here with a new kind of epidural.... It will completely numb any kind of cutting and catheter pain."

"Really?  Stab that needle in me.  Like right now."  My body moved to expose my back with no thought of modesty what so ever.

"Alright.  Grape or bubble gum?"

"Excuse me?"  My face turned to look at his.  This man is not joking.

"Would you like grape or bubble gum flavor today?"

"Seriously?  Grape all the way."  I had no idea epidurals were flavored.  Maybe... just maybe that is why the epidurals in the past failed.

"Okay," he said, arms reached into the depths of his bag, "Would you like pink or blue?"

"You have got to be joking me."

"Pink or blue?"  He said, eyes serious.

"Well, do they have artificial colors? High fructose corn syrup?"  The burning pain failed to dissolve my resolve to avoid placing artificially colored substances into my body.

"Nope.  These bad boys are colored with beets and blueberries."

"Awesome."  And it is.

The needle jabbed into my back during an intense contraction with little to no discomfort.  Phew.  Pink colored, grape flavored goodness rushed through my body.

She appeared into the world with no teeth marks or broken hand bones for Dad.  And I actually laughed instead of screamed during the pushing.  Best. Delivery. Ever. Flowers fell from the sky and my lips pressed against Nate's... and then against the anesthesiologist's.  Any man capable of erasing such pain deserves kisses and flowers and complete remote control domination.

The alarm clock buzzed.
Reaching to silence the annoying sound, Nate's arm bumped against my head.

My eyes opened.
I am still pregnant.
27 weeks along.

Despite the fact that I have three kids, I am terrified to deliver this baby girl.  The stack of natural childbirth books lined up against the side of my bed have done nothing to calm my fears.  Birthing a baby hurts.  Period.

In a world of finger touch tablets and raspberry juice, where are the grape flavored epidurals?
And where is that miraculous anesthesiologist with the naturally-colored-high-fructose-corn-syrup-free-pain-relief?