haunting decisions

With a notarized paper in hand, I walked into the elementary school and un-enrolled my kids.
Happy Halloween!

The decision to homeschool my kids has been haunting.  I love the elementary school, the teachers, and the friends.  School itself has provided many opportunities for my children to grow and explore who they are.  But like a coin, there are always two sides to any story.

School life, has made family life very hard.  My kids cry and complain when it is time to leave for school because they want to be home with their brothers and baby sister.  Homework is a nightly challenge.  Bullying behavior and words are sashaying home to be repeated by the three-year-old.

And I get it.
I get that this is part of raising a family.

But... I don't get it.

I don't want to spend these awesome years with my children rushing them away from me and from each other.  Too many people have reminded me that these years with my kids will pass quickly and that I should enjoy them while I can.  Honestly, I don't enjoy my kids when I am too busy rushing them around.

I know that homeschooling isn't the answer for everyone.
Heck, it might not be a long-term answer for me.

But right now, homeschool is the answer for my little family.  And while the decision to homeschool has be incredibly haunting, I am oh-so-excited to stop rushing.  I am thrilled to slow down, read more books to my kids, perform science experiments at the kitchen table, and explore the world with the  little minds I love the most.  

what a good week looks like...

Packed lunches boxes for the second grader were left at home three days this week.  Kindergarten lateness is happening more often than not.  Three-year-old exhaustion is making everything so much more dramatic.  Boogers and gas are intense for the two-month-old.  There is laundry to wash and spilled juice on the kitchen floor.

But.....

The boys have obsessively picked every dandelion in the yard for me.  Pictures from school have come home with love notes addressed to mom.  There has been an abundance of smiles and silly jokes, bed time snuggles, and naps in my bed. 

Life right now is crazy and anything but picture perfect - which is totally fine with me.  I am not a big fan of the picture perfect life.  Standing still to hold a pose has never been "my thing."

The younger boys want to practice cutting paper with scissors and later we might make pumpkin bread.  The baby likes to bounce and talk and hates anything productive.  Books and manuscripts along with a mug of hot cinnamon are calling my name.   

This is what a good week looks like.... and I love it. 

what I wish I could say and learn for myself

"I should be over more."
"I am a bad neighbor, I should help you out more."
"I should have come helped you with your kids."

Something about having a new baby brings all the shoulds to surface in the neighborhood.  I am constantly confronted by neighbors with obsessive apologies about not being "there" for me despite the meals, boxes of diapers, and gifts that have flooded my house and heart with their love. 

And I wish that I was bold enough to say:

"Stop apologizing.  You are amazing.  Your gifts, love, and hugs mean the world to me.  And to be honest, I am introverted.  I am particular and ultra-picky and I like my space and my food.  My kids aren't that stressful and if I needed help I would have called.  You would only need to apologize if you were in my space - every day - holding my baby when all I wanted to do was snuggle up in my bed with my family and close the curtains to the world.  All I need from you is your love.  Please talk to me when I see you, ask me how things are going, and if it looks like my emotions are on edge... please give me a hug.  That is what I really need from you."

Their apologies make me sad.  Maybe I haven't been honest enough about who I am and what my expectations of the world are.  Either way, the stress of their carried shoulds are worthless because they are not what I need.

Turn the table.

Today has been a crazy one.  Long trains of wrapping paper cover my carpet because my three-year-old decided that a sword fight with the cardboard tubes would be fun.  Corner time-out time has happened more than usual.  And it took me three hours to shower and get ready for the day.

Deep breath.

Looking around my house, I should really dig in and tackle the dishes.  Mildew clothes in the washing machine are not my chosen brand of potpourri.  And I do not need to crochet some cute headbands for baby girl.  I want to give my boys some undivided attention and I need to sit down and just hold my baby for a couple of minutes.

Holy moly.

The shoulds of life are everywhere, like a mosquito preying on life-giving energy - they suck away my ability to feel happy and content with my life.  They make me feel like my best is never enough and that I am never doing the right thing with my time.   

And like my friends, I spend my time running from one thing to the next trying to conquer the never ending list of shoulds life creates.  And more often than not, the shoulds of life do not serve and create happiness.  They often hurt myself, my family, and others.

I should not sew baby blanket gifts for people if sewing does not make me happy.  I should not volunteer at school every week if the stress of it - with a newborn - is too much.  I should not have a picture perfect home with four kids.  I need to ditch the shoulds, start a load of laundry and cuddle my kids.


 And I think I am bold enough to finally say:


"Stop apologizing Angie.  Just love and hug your kids. Introverted-ness is okay.  You have permission to enjoy your space.  It is empowering to ask for help.  Slow down, hold your family, and make time for the things that put a smile on your face - it will make your family happier too.  Love. Love. Love.  It's okay to break down.  Ditch the shoulds and embrace the now.  Who you are now, right now - this very minute - is more than enough."


Who I am right now is more than enough - say three times and repeat.


And by the way, you are more than enough too.
What would you do, right now, without the weight of the shoulds holding you back?

--image source

Liberating

I learned an important lesson today.

There are far too many moments when I wonder if someone is judging me based upon a poorly composed comment, messy hair, or misbehaving kids. The anxiety of hurting some one's feelings, saying the wrong thing, or presenting anything other than a perfect front keeps me from enjoying life. I find it easier to pull away from social events and keep my distance... that way I avoid the anxiety associated with social settings.

As I was discussing this with a girlfriend, she reminded me that God alone knows and understands Angie from the inside out. He knows I am imperfect and expects me to make mistakes along the way. He is the only one who unconditionally loves me with no questions asked. He alone knows the melody of my soul.

God's opinion is the only one that counts... and the beauty of our relationship is found in His ability to understand all aspects of my life - sleep deprivation, anxiety, frustration, happiness, etc. He knows my heart, my will, and my intentions.

When I have done the best I can, he carries the pain of anxiety, disagreements, and miscommunication.

I do not have to carry that pain alone.

And that knowledge is truly liberating.

Why My Husband is a Rock Star...

I have known for years that my husband is a rock star.

He always helps me with the boys. He always helps with the dishes. He gives awesome back rubs. He listens to me cry. He laughs with me. He always holds my hand and opens my car door. He works hard to provide for the family. He always inspires me to be a better person.

Yes, my husband is a rock star.


Just when I think I finally have figured out how amazing my husband is, he surprises me.


I lock the keys in the car and he drops everything to rescue me. I have a really hard night with the baby and he lets me sleep until eight o'clock when everyone else has been up since six. He stays up late doing the dishes while I try to catch up on some sleep.

I could go on.


The other night we started making a list of Christmas gifts we would like to purchase for our kids, friends, and family. When we started talking about what we would like to give eachother for Christmas, he gave me the ultimate gift. This gift is not one that can be packaged, wrapped, or purchased.

He gave me the gift of NaNoWrimo.

NaNoWrimo is national novel writing month. Fifty thousand words in thirty days.

Nate's gift to me is time to write. He alone knows how much I really love to write, how happy it makes me, and all the stories that circulate my head. Somewhere in his sixty hour work week he is going to watch the kids so I can find more time to write my fifty thousand words this month.

My rock star husband is amazing.


I am going to take a break from blogging this month to write my novel. See you on the other side of fifty thousand words :)

Roles and Responsibilities

I've been thinking a lot lately about who I am.

I know and understand the traditional answers. I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a neighbor, a daughter of God, etc.

I want to know more than that.

Under all of the layers of assumed roles and responsibilities I carry each day, who am I?

The only problem is, I can't seem to get a hold on my life long enough to understand who I am. Moments are quickly leaking away while I desperately try to close in the gaps.

Each night I go to bed vowing that I will gain control tomorrow.

Inevitably, I fail.

Tonight I realized that life is not about stopping up the holes in our lives. Time flows like a waterfall. No matter how hard we try to stop it, it will continue rolling forward. Life is not about gaining control of the dishes or keeping laundry out of the laundry bin - although these tasks are essential to our survival. Life is about getting wet and riding the fall of the water.

I have often wondered what the world would be like if William Shakespeare decided not to write or if Handel decided not to compose music. Our world would not be the same without their shared masterpieces.

What mark do I need to leave on the world?

Yesterday in church I realized what the phrase "to bear one another's burdens" really means.

I also realized that I have selfishly been impatient with my family. Hours of moments spent debating who I am have emotionally (and at times physically) have removed me from my family. I want present time consciousness. I want to play with and enjoy my kids.

I don't want to worry about Angie anymore. I want to focus on strengthening those who surround me. I want to raise honest and good children who know and love the Lord. These two characteristics mean more to me than any form of success the world has to offer.

I want to know the gospel. I want to play with and teach my children. I want to love my husband. I want to have a mind that is constantly in tune with the spirit allowing me to be a better servant.

I need to eliminate things from my life that do not allow me to focus the way I need to.

Because I want to be better.

I want to be stronger.

I want to raise warrior children.

Being a homemaker is the best calling in the world, and I am grateful for it.

Wisdom

The spirit grants wisdom greater than that of novels and books. It is important to read, but it is far more important to have the spirit of the Holy Ghost with you at all times - that is true wisdom

Personal Worth

My worth is not found in my many accomplishments. My personal worth is not found in sewing, writing, cleaning, or just being fabulous. My personal worth is found in my relationship with my Savior.

I always ask myself "why would they like me?"

I must reconnect with my Savior. Life is not a race or competition, rather life is learning to love and serve. Life is about connecting with our creator and becoming who he needs us to be.

I don't want to live a life that is dependent upon others for my worth or beliefs. I want to live a life that is dependent upon my Savior. He is the only source of truth, strength, and light.

I will never be able to create relationships of worth and satisfaction if I do not have a good relationship with my Savior.

Don't Give Up on Me

I recently had a phone call with a man who was worried about his daughter. His daughter lives in our ward but is not active. At the end of the phone call, he asked me not to give up on his daughter.. to keep trying.

I need to be better at giving people the benefit of the doubt. I am not perfect... I should not expect others to be.

I need to pray for more charity and love for my friends and mankind.

Thoughts

• The Lord does not make mistakes. He did not create me by accident, rather he spent time with me.
• Find out who you are. It is hard to have friends when you do not know who you are.
• SIMPLIFY life. Clean out junk and clutter. Simplify goals and ambitions.
• Spend time just being Angie. Not cleaning, not reading, just being.
• Get to know your backyard. Spend time making it your own.
• Spend more time just loving the kids.
• Stop placing unrealistic expectations upon Angie. Just BE.
• Read scriptures more
• Exercise everyday

It is okay to listen to my heart. listen to what Angie needs and wants.

Stop running away from myself - start living my life!!!